"I didn't say all those things" - Plato. Angry Philosopher Sues Al Gore For Inventing The Internet
Thursday 14 November 51016 Shares
Breaking centuries of silence, Plato is striking back at the seemingly infinite number of misquotes falsely attributed to him. Citing the number of unsubstantiated sayings that are the basis of internet memes, he is taking former Vice President Al Gore to court.
The lawsuit asserts that Gore, now retired and living in a battery factory in Armenia, is responsible because he invented the forum which is home to so many false Plato quotes.
"I would never have said those things, it's just goddamned ridiculous." The portly man shook his head as he sipped his beer and stared at the re-run of Fear Factor on his TV.
Despite being an unemployed philosopher, Plato insists the lawsuit isn't about money. "I'm a philosopher. What do I know about money or any of that stuff?"
"I'm not doing this for myself. I'm doing this for all of us who have been misquoted on the internet. We've all been hurt by this me. Socrates, Abe Lincoln, Kermit, Lassie...we've all been hurt. And, it's about time somebody paid!"
He chokes up when he mentions his old teacher, and golf partner, Socrates. "There are all these things he supposedly said, well, I was there and he never said any of them! You know what Socrates was good for? Shanking balls, I can't tell you how many times we searched for his ball because Mr. Professor wouldn't take a drop. That guy could shank a putt."
The lawsuit, initially struck down in a lower court, was reinstated after the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals put their crayons down and met in full panel. Justice Frank Scuzzlebutt wrote the opinion of the court, "Sounds like a fun case, can't wait to see how it plays out!"
It's believed the 13-word opinion is the shortest ever issued by a federal court.
Pleased with the decision of the court Plato said he hopes to have the matter settled before the hockey season starts this year. Asked for a quote that could be rightfully attributed to him, he replied, "Yeah, boobs and beer are the only things that matter in life."
Women no longer allowed to drive after 8 pm A new law will go into affect January 2019 prohibiting women from driving after 8 pm in most states. These states to include Missouri and Illinois. This decision comes after several years of studying reports of women drivers and also on crimes against them after 8 pm. Studies show that women are at greater risk in the darker hours. So if your a women and find yourself having to drive at night you will need to find a ride from a male or maybe call uber.
State record catfish caught near starved rock The biggest catfish on record 200 lbs was caught near starved rock. Matt. Mclaughlin . Said he watched Fred ruentner of Mendota Illinois . Fight it for 21/2 hrs before it wore out . Kevin from the lock and damn says he sees them grab turtles. And a rare bald eagle . Any ? May be directed to dnr. 815. 884 5387.
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New Laws in VA to Ban Hiding "painted rocks" in Public Spaces A new law goes into effect September 1st 2017 that will essentially make it a misdemeanor to paint rocks. Even more severe, if you are caught hiding "painted rocks" in public spaces you can be charged with a felony and face hefty fines or even jail time. Lauren Painter, a spokesman for the Virginia Public Health Organization states, "Painting and hiding rocks in and around the country is becoming an epidemic. At first it is just once or twice a week. Before you know it, you are skipping meals and staying awake until early in the morning painting." A former "rocker", who wishes to remain anonymous, told reporters that for her it started out as "...fun family activity. After only about a month, I was forgetting to feed my kids, not sleeping, and hiding the "best rocks" from friends and family. State health officials warn VA residence to contact their local law enforcement immediately or call 800-ROCKHLP if they know someone who has lost control because of the new craze.l, especially if there are children involved