Serial Sodomist Arrested After Molesting The Eye Of A Sewing Needle

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A Federal Joint Task Force has announced the apprehension of Nathan Tinsley, 45.

An Arrest Warrant was issued for Tinsley early Tuesday morning by Judge James Booras after multiple complaints were filed for the sexual assault of multiple rodents, family pets, mayonnaise jars, a sea cucumber, jack-o-lanterns, and a mom's vaj. A subsequent complaint for Retail Theft was also issued.

State's Attorney & Law Enforcement officials state that when the warrant was served, Tinsley initially gave the aliases of Tungey N. D. Bungey, then Yourmoms Vaj. He was processed at the Lake County Jail where his real identity was discovered.

The complaints date back to 1974 where Tinsley allegedly began to have an "inappropriate relationship" with a Gerber Baby Food jar. In 1976 Tinsley allegedly was also able to conceal 14 rolls of Bicentennial Quarters in his rectum as he took them from Zayre in Waukegan. In 1980 Tinsley was accused of molesting a US Cable of Lake County work van. In 1984, while on vacation to California he was question by a Det. Rosewood BHPD about the tampering with a State Vehicle. The only statement given by Tinsley at the time was, "Say man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in the tailpipe". In 1987 Det. Tubbs of the Miami Florida Police Department interviewed Tinsley for a similar offense in that jurisdiction. In 1998 Officer Carl Winslow from Chicago PD investigated the molestation of Swiss Cheese and recovered physical evidence linking Tinsley to the offense. The official statement from Tinsley was "Did I do that?" The case was dismissed when Officer Winslow was reassigned to the Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles and refused to return to Chicago. Tinsley was also investigated by a Private Investigator Adrian Monk in 2009 for sexual misconduct with household cleaning products.

The latest complaint comes from Caitlin Jenner. Jenner states that Tinsley allegedly befriended Jenner on the website FarmersOnly.com . Jenner met Tinsley and brought him back to a hotel room at Robert's Roost in Waukegan, when Tinsley allegedly began to molest Jenner's sewing kit.

Upon questioning, Tinsley stated that he was only with Jenner for some Tranny Fluid. No car was found with any transmission problems in or around the Robert's Roost parking lot.

Tinsley remains in the Lake County Jail in lieu of a $57 cash bail.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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