AP Wire: Clinton OUT, Rhodes IN!
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On the heels of the FBI reopening its investigation into Hillary Clinton's use of a private server containing classified emails, this years wild Presidential race suddenly took a new twist. Jacksonville Beaches resident Rusty Rhodes, after threatening to run for President for the past 2 years only to back out each time, has made a last minute decision to enter the 2016 contest with a mere 2 weeks to go until voting day.
When asked by BreakingNews365 what he thought his chances of winning were this late in the game, Rusty replied by saying "Shit, you've seen the choices, this will be cakewalk."
Below is a transcript of our exclusive interview with Mr. Rhodes shortly following his earth shattering announcement:
BN365: Why now? I mean, it's so late, do you really think you have any chance at all?
RR: I think I have a huge chance. I have the best chance. I mean really, all the stupid shit I say is said on purpose, whereas the other candidates don't intend to. People like the realism, the honesty, the pure stupidity....not the fake stuff everyone else is using.
BN365: Do you have any potential Supreme Court nominees in mind if you win?
RR: I do! But I can't share them, not yet. They are my friends, and if I divulge them now, I'll have no chance of winning. They're that unqualified, and some have prison records.
BN364: Do you know where Aleppo is?
RR: It's late, do you know where your kids are?
BN365: Fair enough....let's move on......do you have a campaign slogan you intend to use?
RR: A slogan? Hell, I don't even have a campaign. How about, Make America shut the fuck up again?
BN365: How do you intend to work with such a divided House and Senate if you win?
RR: Are you kidding? I'm going to get a $400k salary per year. I don't give a rats ass whether they work with me or not, I'm still getting my check. I don't really like golf, so I'll probably do a lot of traveling on tax payer dollars, a lot of fishing, that kind of stuff.
BN365: Just a few more questions, I know you have to hit the campaign trail. Will you overturn Roe vs. Wade?
RR: Listen, I've got all day. I'm not hitting any trails, unless it's trail mix. Why would I overturn anything that's already been decided? That's like overturning Superbowl XX...you can't just randomly take shit away from winners, it sets a bad precedent. How would that teach the losers anything, by just handing them wins? I don't think so.
BN365: You've been known to have quite the temper at times. Some say you are not qualified to be in charge of America's nuclear arsenal. How do your respond to that?
RR: You're starting to piss me off and I want to punch you in the face right now. Next question.
BN365: What's your plan for job creation?
RR: Take away welfare and all government handouts. Then let the people figure it out for themselves. You'll be amazed at how many people will start working who you thought couldn't before. Hunger is an amazing motivator.
BN365: Will you build a wall, as one of the other candidates promised to do?
RR: No, certainly not. It's too expensive. What I am going to do though, is build a Dunkin Donuts every 100 yards along the border. Let's see them illegal assholes get through that kind of law enforcement border. It ain't gonna happen, trust me.
BN365: A whopping 67 of the country thinks we are on the wrong course. What actions would you take to turn that perception around?
RR: Well, there's a lot of things I think can be done. First of all, I'm going to do it all through Executive Orders. I am going to ban karaoke, I think that needs to happen. Live music is dying, and we need to bring it back in a big way. I'm going to make Music Great Again. I'm also going to ban man buns. Our internal documents show that one item alone will get us another 76 of the votes.
BN365: What about saggy pants?
RR: Leave them. It's entertaining to watch them try to run in those things, and I think having saggy pants helps our police officers apprehend more suspects.
BN365: What are you going to do about the out of control national debt?
RR: Spend more! People in this country don't give a crap about the national debt, and it's not my money anyways, so I think I'll go crazy. Throw some big national parties, free drinks, free weed, that kind of stuff, and everybody will be so zonkered out I can raise taxes to 50 and no one will even know what's happening. Let the next President worry about that shit.
BN365: We want to thank you for speaking to us exclusively Mr. Rhodes. Do you have any final words you want to leave the American people with?
RR: Certainly I do. Listen America, we're in deep doo doo. The poverty rate is at record highs. There are more people on welfare than ever before. The world has become very dangerous. People don't even know which bathroom to use. Taxes are too high, salaries are down, everything costs more. And guess what? It's your own damn fault, because you've been electing these idiots for years and years, and they are the ones who did this to you. So for you to think I'm going to be able to do anything in 4 or 8 years, you're just kidding yourselves. I'm here for the free ride, but the difference between me and all the other is, I'm going to make you laugh, and laughter is the best medicine, right? And I play guitar...when's the last time we had a real musician run this country? It's time.....so let's break that glass ceiling, and elect someone who truly has zero experience, no real direction, an inflated sense of their own self worth, you know, someone who is really representative of our nation now.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.