Community Mourns Death Of Local Man's Beard

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Manhood, many invision a strong hairy musculant man fighting penguins on top of a volcano, but could such a man exist? The answer is No, but Appleton, Wisconsin did have Anival Fernandez, A man who could break toothpicks in half and fight poodles on top of sky scrapers. We interviewed some of Anival's friends and they had this to say: Evan Wenneman," yeah that's Ani for ya" and Garret Van Drasek "yeah, he like did some shit, I don't know", although none of this said much,he was a man with a fine fine patchy but doable beard. One Tuesday night on October 25th, 2016 Anival said was when his life was about to change. This is as he recalled. Anival came home from a night class at Fox Valley Technical College (where he is perusing a degree in Criminal Justice), he went on about his usual routine that consisted of unlocking the front door to enter, cracking four chocolate eggs into his mouth and doing 3 push ups. He then heard what was described as Jennifer Lopez, singing in his bathroom. He walked into the bathroom and turned the light on. He farted and thought to himself "I should go poo since I'm already in here, nah" and was about to walk out when something possessed him. "It was like an urge where I felt like it needed to die" he stated, "I just looked in the mirror and started crying..I took a razor and cut and kept cutting and I opened my eyes and before my eyes I realized what I've just done" it turns out Anival and his beard were not getting along much in the weeks that followed up to this terrible night. "I just wanted A way out" he remarked. Anival tried to keep it quiet but could not help taking selfies to show the world. The pictures made in impact on Facebook and soon people were liking, hearting and even hitting the laughing face icon on his picture. He sat there not knowing what to do, "I felt terrible" Anival said during our interview. He told us that everywhere he went the community of his peers in disgust stated that he shouldn't have shaved and he was a terrible person. When asked what his personal thoughts were Anival stated that, " I just missed the little boy under the beard, I wanted to let him out. I wanted to drink juice without my mustache stealing it and soaking it in." We asked his friend Anthony Bevers (27) what his thoughts were. "Well, he's a baby bitch face. He shouldn't have shaved that beautiful booger Cather and face sweater. I'm truly saddened..I feel like I lost my friend and gained a 5 year younger little boy." It truly is not an easy thing for those who got to know him after his beard grew because they now feel as if they've got to get to know a new man. Appleton, Wisconsin we are truly sorry for the bearded man you've all lost and hope that in time like the razor cuts on his cheeks,that you too, will heal!

-Ani Thor Fernandez Reporting,
Thor Of Ass Farts News.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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