Drugged up man pretends to be a ninja and attacks family
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At 21:00 last night, a Colchester family were savagely attacked by a man under the influence of Cannabis spiked with Heroeen. The attacker was so heavily drugged that he believed him self to be the ninja "Orochimaru" from the hit Japanese animation 'Naruto'.
We believe the attack was caused when the man caught the sent of a Rockstar Guava energy drink being carried by one of the victims. The man attacked the family in order to seize this drink.
We are still currently unsure of this man's identity, however he refers to him self as "snake niggests" whilst performing strange slithering motions in an attempt sneakily retrieve the drink before he attacked.
Although the victims survived, they were deeply traumatised, describing the attacker as a 'tall man with gremlinous features, mermaid hair and Nazi beauty standards'.
Any further sightings of this man should instantly be reported to Colchester Police.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.