Bradley University Researchers Prove That Plants Feel Pain

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Peoria, IL .. 27-March-2017
There is bad news for all Vegans and vegetarians that are leading a meat-free lifestyle trying to spare animals from the pain and anguish of death for consumption. After an extensive five year study, Bradley University researchers, using a grant from the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, have concluded that the pain that vegetables experience when being quite literally eaten alive is excruciating. This news came as no surprise to patrons questioned at The Lariat Steakhouse on West Glen Ave.

Married couple, Tom and Suzanne, were quick to point out the fact that plants, although grown for consumption, are torn from the ground alive. "The pain must be intense!", said Suzanne B. "It's why I only eat beef from animals that died peacefully of natural causes.", she continued. Husband Tom, who admits to eating an occasional vegetable, added that the Vegan lifestyle is cruel, and based largely in sadistic practices of eating live, or raw, living beings.

Three states (Kansas, Oklahoma, and Nebraska) already have pending legislation regarding the harvesting practices of farmers (also thought of as murderers). New Jersey and Connecticut legislators are contemplating outlawing salad bars.

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