Jerk From Virginia Wins Jackpot

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Randy Pollack from Christiansburg Virginia has won the Lotto Jackpot. When interviewed he explained what he has been doing with his recent winnings.

Well I won 145 million dollars, the numbers were a combination of my social security number divided by Pi minus the current air temperature at the North Pole! I usually bought 7 tickets at 7 stores, usually in the 7 o'clock hour for extra luck. I always watch the drawing at 7 minutes after the 11th hour while enjoying a slurpee from 7-11. The night I won I was wearing my lucky bowling shirt while wearing my Mormon underwear and my dead uncle's old military helmet with tin foil lining. I told lots of people at the bar that I won but no one believed me until I told them that I didn't call because the phone in my limo was broken! They still didn't believe me until I told them to look at my limo right outside, they said "Right Outside? and I said YEAH in my best Barry White voice. There Coleman my chauffeur was, right outside the door!

I quickly invested in the Orange Juice futures on advice from Clarence Beeks with the Duke and Duke Investment firm. My lawyer was Johnny Cochrane, very animated fellow and he got my money easily from the Lottery people. He asked "If the numbers are right, I need the man's money TONIGHT!

I took the cash, my investment manager said it would be best, that Bernard Madoff was a genius! He told me to give him the whole amount and we specialized in boxing investments with a trio of experts (Don King, Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield)......they told me Enron was a solid investment, a true KNOCKOUT! Luckily these guys have experience with hundreds of millions of dollars and they also are good bodyguards. As far as family loans, I told anyone that needs to borrow to then they must ask me, the godfather for any request only on my daughter's wedding day......This works out great because I don't have any daughters! Evander and Mike can escort them off the property if they persist!

When I finally cash out on my current investments I will probably invest in Nigerian currencies. I got a great tip through email that there is a Prince there that just needs a little seed money to get millions out of his bank there. I think of it as charity work that will pay me 75 on my investment. Since I read about it on the internet it must be true!

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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