Alabaster to get toll bridge over train tracks
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After years of moderating a public forum for concerned citizens, venture capitalists Sean Boczar and Greg Tomey have decided to take action on one of Alabaster's hottest unresolved issues.
"The trains in Alabaster are insufferable. They block traffic at odd hours and with no warning, they honk incessantly at our dozens of crossings keeping the entire city up all night, and they're covered in Yankee gang graffiti," said Boczar. "We don't need that kind of industrial crap in a cozy little town like ours."
Since repeated appeals to the local council and the mayor availed little, Boczar and Tomey decided to take a more capitalist route to a solution.
"We bought a closed pawn shop on either side the tracks on Hwy 31 and plan to convert the lot into a toll bridge over the tracks to keep traffic moving. Elevators inside the buildings will lift cars onto the flyway. It's really cutting edge and aesthetically appealing! If people really hate trains as much as they say they do, we should make a fortune!"
According to a district representative on the city council who wishes to remain anonymous, the money to build such an overpass to avoid parked trains has been budgeted for years, but no progress has ever been made for fear it would bring "undesirables" to the area, even though most businesses in the area involved selling used goods in some fashion.
"We're doing this for the community," said Boczar, "All proceeds will be donators to local charities, like the Second Amendment for Toddlers Alabaster Chapter, or donating street sweepers to clean all the candy off Hey 31 after parades."
As venture capitalists, Boczar and Tomey do need to turn a profit for future investments. They will make their income by renting out advertising space on the sides of the overpass. Alexander Shunarrah has already purchased ad space at the apex of the bridge.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.