MSP: Topher Lane left waffle in news van
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Michigan State Police have confirmed WILX reporter Christopher 'Topher' Lane left a half-eaten Eggo waffle in a news van back in March.
They've declared an open man hunt for Lane and are asking for the public's help.
"Just leave a bowl of milk out on your porch," Lt. Joseph Thomas said. "He won't admit it, but he loves milk. He'll come a runnin."
It's a crime that's stuck to the minds of WILX's staff like the syrupy waffle left sticking to vehicle 4's cup holder.
"Some motherfucker left a waffle in the news van," Jeff Proctor said. "This place is going to hell in a hand basket."
The waffle was originally found by Chief Photog Steve Coon. He says he was shocked.
"I've been doing this for years and never seen anything like it," Coon said. "Bags of chips, leftover drinks... but a waffle? That's crossing the line."
The newsroom hasn't been the same since the waffle was found.
"Yeah, people think I'm upset about Barb, our new news director," Kaci Babineau said. "But really, I'm just worried that I'm going to find a waffle in my cup holder after work. You expect me to produce two shows and deal with the stress of being waffled? I don't think so."
"The wheels are falling off this place," Clayton Cummins said. "I knew it was somebody ratchet behind it. Honestly thought it was probably Scott the way he was always talking about it. I need a cucumber martini to deal with this."
MSP say they were originally tipped off thanks to Scott Wolchek's independent investigation.
"I was very passionate about the investigation," Wolchek said. "It's one thing to leave Arby's curly fries in the cupholder, cough cough Clayton. But a waffle? That crosses the line. Then people started acting suspicious."
One of whom was ex-anchor Ken Houston. He was interested in the waffle then quickly disappeared from the station. Leaving some wondering... did he or his evil twin Ben Dallas have anything to do with it?
"Yes, I do have an evil twin, but he wasn't responsible," Houston said. "I wasn't either. I quit because I was tired of Ann holding me back. I mean, she said my mustache looked fake. What am I doing now? Am I going to Channel Six? ...Do they want me?"
Elizabeth Crenshaw also disappeared shortly after.
"I just laugh," Crenshaw said.
We asked her why she think Topher did it.
"The Budweiser," Crenshaw said. "He was drunk."
Even after MSP named Lane responsible, some at WILX still have questions.
"Was Topher an illegal immigrant all along?" asked Kirk Montgomery. "Are we allowed to say it was a WAFFLE investigation? Did anyone talk to Guillermo about this?"
Others... are just happy this investigation... is over.
"I hope he has a W-I-L-Xcellent day in prison," Cummins said.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.