New Advancements in Cocaine Research

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Barnaby Jones. Silicon Valley, CA, USA.


Today marks a stunning turn of events in the world of life longevity. Inventor/entrepreneur, Jacob Cooper has what he says is the fountain of you at his company Bumble & Bumble. Turns out it’s less of a fountain and more of a breathing apparatus.

Modeled after the jet pack used by the hero of the movie The Rocketeer, it’s a two cylinder wearable backpack. The right cylinder was a custom created engine for Bumble & Bumble by the Rolls Royce company. The very same company that makes airline industry standard jet engines. This unique engine pumps pure, medical grade oxygen.

The left cylinder holds 1 gallon of medical grade cocaine topped with a device that combines the cocaine and the oxygen. Tubes then go from the top of the device directly into each nasal cavity, down into the lungs.

When turned on, the device, named the Davey CoCrocket™, proceeds to pump the mixture, called CoCoxygen, into the lungs through one nostril, and back out through the nostril, eliminating the need of the user to even breath.

The goal of this device is to make the user live forever, and all evidence points to success. Though, final results can’t be claimed until further tests are completed.

We will keep all of you updated as further information becomes available.


-Barnaby Jones is questionably an award winning journalist. He does most of his reporting from his peyote teepee, and has never finished anything in his life.

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

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