CDC: COVID-19 Can Be Cured By Eskimo Pies

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Monday 06 December 2059 75469 Shares

ATLANTA, GA -- CDC Director, Robert Redfield, announced today that a significant breakthrough has been discovered in the fight against the coronavirus. "Researchers have discovered that a key protein, WB44-H, in the milk of select brands of Eskimo Pies is 89 successful in treating patients with symptoms."

When asked about the therapy, recent patient, Moon-Tata McNibbons said, "At first, I was offended at the thought of eating one of those Eskimo Pies. I mean, they're racist! But, 8 hours later, I was off the ventilator, my fever was down, and I was feeling great. Now, please excuse me while I get back to my work on social media dismantling the United States economy."

CDC officials have reached out to Eskimo Pie companies to beg them not to cease production on this, now, invaluable resource. Constantine W. Carmichael, President of the Racist Foods Council, said Tuesday, "While it is notable that this product can save lives, our respect for vanquished populations supersedes it. We would only change our position by an Act of Congress or if Don Lemon on CNN cried a tear in favor it."

Calls to White House officials have gone unreturned as of this writing.

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