Week 5 Power Rankings

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

2059 85994 Shares

Again, apologies on the delay gents. I will be better from here on out (probably not). Ose stop talking about how sick your team is, I can tell you with certainty that no one cares. Onto the rankings…

1. Chicago penis touchers
What a change of scenery for the penis touchers. Manager Patrick Breen has been hard at work, not on his studies or fantasy football, but trying to get the money that people owe him for that stripper that he got us. God only knows how much money hes made off of us already and we would have actually no idea. Back to fantasy, Manager breen pulled off a close dub to the BGS’s. In truth, this was a pretty forgettable matchup. But I think breen is thinking about dropping CMC after his pitiful week 5 performance. Just trade him to me breen, ill make good use of him. Look for sparks to fly in the matchup of the week: Touchers vs Torturerz

2. Epsteins Island Boys aka Scrumps
An 83 point performance was all that was needed to take down the Rooftop Retardz. Great work Scrump! Not sure if you know, but the goal of fantasy is to score the most amount of points, not the least. After the bears vs redskins game last Thursday, the Epsteins were down -5 to 49. A valiant effort by Joey Doos boys but somehow they were able to turn that pitiful start into a massive W. Fuck you ose, imagine losing to a team that put up 83 points. Hahahahaha

3. Justin Tucker Supremacy
A heartbreak for the Personal Spaces this week as the Supremacy took me down. Unfortunately my team forgot how to play football this week which made an easy W for the JTS’s. As soon as I saw Dallas fucking Goedart snag his second touchdown of the day, I quickly went to Evergreen and bought the biggest whippet canister they had available in hopes of forgetting this atrocious L to the JTS’s. It didnt work. Fuck me.

4. Cock and Ball Torture
If I hear Alec say one more time “my team has the most points scored against” I might blow my brains out. No one cares. It happens to everyone. Overall, another pitiful performance by the tortures as they drop to 2-3 on the season. Alec if I were you, I would just not play saquon if he isn’t supposed to play. Just a thought. Becker even matched you by playing Aaron Jones and you still have to say “bro I have the most points scored against.” Again, I cant emphasize this enough: no one cares. The tortures are slated to play in the game of the week vs the Toucherz. Good luck gentleman, I will be tuning into your matchup closer than my own.

5. Anton Personal Spaces
God my team is so dogs hit. Justin Jefferson goes down, the lions hate giving the ball to Jahmyr Gibbs. Pain and more pain for the Personal Spaces. Someone please trade me a wide receiver. Ose im not giving you Jefferson for Amon ra stop asking me for him. Despite the fact that my team is dog shit, I think we can all agree we want the APS’s to cop a dub over the Epsteins solely for Scrumps to go deeper and deeper into the cage. Pray for me.

6. Rooftop Retardz
Me, Alec and ose went to the Inn last night and all Ose could talk about was how sick his team was. It was amusing at first to let the make a wish kid have some fun, but after the 10th “bro I actually dont need anyone to make my team better” after no one asked him, it got pretty annoying. If anyone needs fantasy advice, please dont talk to Ose, hell just whip out his cock and start stroking to his lineup. Putting you this low because it pissed me off that you genuinely asked me if I wanted to trade Justin Jefferson for Amon ra. Praying on your downfall this week.

7. Junion Park
Honestly didnt mean to put you this low, just kind of forgot about your team. At least your above duggins right? Right? Meh youre probably secretly pissed that I put you this low. Becker had a nice win over the Tortures but that doesn’t distract me from the fact that his kicker or defense is still outscoring 80 of his starting lineup. Becker, genuinely, what did you tell jamarr chase before the game that made him drop 52. Seriously. Please tell me. I need to tell my team so they get their heads out of their asses.

8. Doog
Taking sole possession of last place is the one and only, Brady’s Green Sweatshirt. A fall from grace some might say. 1st in last weeks rankings to last in this weeks. Im starting to take a closer look at duggins team and I think he figured out the strategy. Suck straight ass the first 4 games and then just snipe the mfs who are going to be sick for the rest of the season. Puka Nacua, Karen williams, Zack moss, Alvin kamara, etc. Basically your whole team. It was recently discovered that duggins is trying to fade the cage punishment if it happens to him. But the more I look into this league, the more I think its not gonna be him. Ose watch out bro. There’s been too many goof things that have been happening to you so far. The fantasy gods dont like that. Or the horse people that live in your closet. They dont like that either.

Again, apologies on the lateness of this weeks rankings. It’ll probably happen again so dont get your hopes up that im gonna be better or something. Long live fantasy football. Someone. Please. Trade. Me. A. Wide. Receiver.