Jesus Christ Confirms Prophetic Return to Kokomo Indiana
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Have the people of Kokomo, IN heard the good news? Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Savior of Mankind has recently gone on record with the Vatican to confirm his much anticipated return will take place later this year in none other than Kokomo, IN, a growing automotive and manufacturing town located in central Indiana, with a population of just over 57,000.
"Shocked, to say the least," said Greg Goodnight, Mayor of Kokomo, IN. "I mean, we've worked really hard on the revitalization of downtown, adding incentives for new businesses, the multi-million dollar ball park and the decorative flowers to attract people from out of town. Never in 3,000 years did I think we would attract someone from as far away as Nazareth."
When asked if he sincerely believed the re-beautification of downtown Kokomo had anything to do with Christ's selection of Kokomo for his return, Mayor Goodnight offered this affirmation. "Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Jesus saved mankind from sin the same way the democrats have saved Kokomo from, excuse my language, damnation. It's a very similar story, and I think he has taken our bipartisan approach to saving Kokomo's small businesses and working class into account. I just hope he's here long enough to catch a Jackrabbits' game and try one of our local downtown eateries. I know he's a fan of fish, and I have to say, Cook McDoogal's [located at 100 N Main Street] has excellent Fish n' Chips."
Many local clergy from various denominations of Protestantism have expressed eagerness to meet the Lamb of God, but in few instances, they're feeling a bit reluctant. "Uh, we're a little nervous, I guess you could say," claimed one Nazarene pastor who wished to remain anonymous. "It's like, the boss is coming, you know? Is this just a quarterly check up, or is it the end of the fiscal year? Hopefully he looks at the latest numbers. Since the announcement, attendance to Sunday services are up. Like, way up. I think he's going to be pleased with the numbers."
But, like all things religious and/or political, not everyone is a fan of the news concerning the return.
"I think it's awful," says single mother, Jenna Delarousha, 27, a resident of Kokomo since 2003. "What's he want to come here for? All we got [sic] is a Walmart and dumb [expletive] people doing [expletive] drugs everywhere including my kids' daycare parking lot. I got [sic] five kids and another one on the way. If he ain't [sic] coming here to give them nothing [sic], all he's going to do is take up space and ask us for money for them [sic] churches with the big fountains."
Although no specific date was confirmed, the Vatican has stated they believe the return will take place no later than mid-September, 2017.
Andrew Luck, quarterback for the National Football League's Indianapolis Colts, had this to say about the speculated September return. "Gosh, that would be great. Just really great. There's absolutely no way I can afford to have another losing season on my hands. The apocalypse or rapture or whatever is going to happen coming right at the beginning of the season would really be a blessing. If we can hold Arizona at home defensively, there's a possibility the world will end with us undefeated at 2-0. That would be special. Really special."
A spokesman for Jesus Christ was unavailable for comment concerning the implications of Christ's scheduled return.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.