CONFIRMED - Lake Whittney Latest Source of Aggressive Sexually Transmitted Disease Variant
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Lake Whittney, a popular lake on the Brazos River watershed in Central Texas (USA) known for its' clean water, picturesque limestone and granite cliffs, has been identified as the latest lake in Central Texas to be infected with an Aggressive Sexually Transmitted Disease variant (ASTD).
Tests by a specialized unit of the University of Texas at Killeen Center for Viral Social Diseases Research Laboratory confirmed last Friday that samples of lake water from several US Army Corps of Engineers (USCOE) parks on Lake Whittney tested positive for the aggressive variant known scientifically as "Gonnaherpasyphillaids" also called "SlutPimples" or referred to simply as "It".
The viral amoebic cells enter the body through the genital's urethral opening and also via the milk ducts on the breasts of women of childbearing years. Symptoms include: Inability to achieve an erection in males above the age of puberty, extreme fertility for women able to bear children, and the breakdown of the synapses in the cerebral cortex of the brain responsible for helping a person's inability to reason with logic and wisdom. Also, fertile women experience "Multiple Fertilization Syndrome" wherein they are subject to the high probability of multiple births with 87 of women experiencing the births of triplets.
Doctors and scientists also revealed the the presence of alcohol in the victim's system at the time of infection will result in the spontaneous detachment of the male victims' penis in thirty-six to forty-eight hours after exposure. The virus is also spread from victim to victim by sexual and non-sexual contact.
Normal "Safe-sex" practices will not stop the transmission of the bacteria as Electron Microscope study of the virus shows that the most advanced condom does not prohibit the bacteria from transmitting from host to potential host.
The virus is believed to originated in a laboratory in Wuhan, China and were accidently released via the implantation of the mysterious seed packets that were sent unsolicited to US mailing addresses in 2019 and 2020. These seeds - when planted by gullible recipients - resulted in the proliferation of Dollar and Family Dollar Stores which primarily market "Made in China" products at greatly reduced discount prices. It is believed the virus was carried in the wrappers of salty and highly-seasoned snack foods that were carelessly discarded near the rivers and streams of Texas and surrounding states.
Persons using the recreational facilities at Lake Whitney are encouraged to not enter the water at Lake Whitney except under the direct supervision of a Doctor of Chipsandipstology. Fish taken from these waters may be consumed after cooking at a temperature of 1100 degrees Fahrenheit for at least 17 minutes.
The bacteria is most virulent when the moon is in the Waxing Crescent phase with between 19 and 3 illumination phase and only on Friday mornings after 10:36 CDT through Monday nights at 10:13 pm .There has been no explanation or reasoning for this phenomenon other than being explained by the subtransatomic peripherals being more tolerant of molecular destabilization at those times.
The virus is expected to prevail in the lake until after September 07, 2021 when "It" should descend to the lower depths of the lake into the original Brazos riverbed where, with it's mitochondrial processes subdued by it's inability to wear white after Labor Day, it will become dormant until the next Solar Eclipse with no more than 92 totality occurs in South Bangladesh, forecast for sometime in Summer 2098.
Seriously folks - don't mix Lake recreation with alcohol, wear a life preserver, and don't use Meth.
This fake news is a total fabrication and not intended to be taken seriously by anyone.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.