Ames department store poised to make a comeback
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Following months of speculation on Wall Street, president and CEO of Ames Department Stores, Inc Joseph Ettore announced that years of quiet restructuring are almost complete and Ames will once again become a household name.
Staying true to their longtime business model, Ettore has also been lining up some acquisitions of struggling competitors.
"We have been scouring yard sale sites on Facebook and finding which ones have been losing members.", Ettore said. "Once we have the appropriate funding in place, we will be ready to offer the owners of some of these fledgling sites $2.50 to allow us to take over."
Facebook is not the only place that Ettore plans on rebuilding his empire. "There is a store in East Pejesus, NY called Ethel & Gertrude's Treasure Trove," Ettore continued, "Both Ethel and Gertrude are in their 80s, I'm sure I could buy that place for $200 and a bagful of carnival glass."
One can only speculate what will happen from there. If business takes off at the Treasure Trove, Ettore has talked about expanding into other small towns: "We will buy out local rummage stores and community clothes closets. We did a fine business selling records and bell bottoms in the 70s, we can do it again in 2017."
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.