Milwaukee HS Teacher Despondent After Selling Soul to Devil for Trivia Team Win
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Milwaukee, WI (AP) -- Richard M. Carpenter, an award-winning Fulbright scholar and very Catholic Catholic high school teacher, is pictured here shortly after he realized the eternal consequences resulting from the selling of his soul to Satan in exchange for his team winning a Trivia contest.
The trivia contest at McDurty's Tavern and Hair Salon is a weekly ritual for Carpenter and his slow-witted companions. His team, The Whitewalkers -- so named because all of the members are white and often fully capable of walking -- have competed at McDurty's every Wednesday for the last 3 centuries but had never finished better than "honorable mention" prior to the win that was paid for by his very soul.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," intoned Carpenter, "but now that I realize that I'll burn in hell with a bunch of other losers, I'm having second thoughts."
Carpenter did not sell his soul directly to Satan but rather to Chad who is a soul broker and a former student of Carpenter. Nevertheless, the deal is irreversible especially because it was notarized by a suspicious-looking notary who was playing on one of the opposing teams.
According to the agreement, Carpenter's soul does not have to be delivered to Satan until 48 hours after his natural death. The 48-hour period will give Carpenter time to observe his own sparsely-attended funeral in spirit form prior to his appointment in Hell. His natural death is expected to be very soon and will involve several cheese-clogged arteries, according to Chad's actuarial calculations.
Satan himself was not available for comment but Chad, the soul broker, shared "I've almost reached my quota for the month and am hoping for a promotion to a higher circle of Hell within the next 3000 years."
While mildly concerned by the cost to Carpenter, The Whitewalkers were ecstatic about the win and have begun the search for Carpenter's replacement. Interested trivia athletes are encouraged to send their resumes, college transcripts, IQ test results, social security numbers, date of birth and first born child via email to: [email protected]
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AP reporter Ivana Tinkle contributed to this report from the ladies' room.
This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.